A Struggle

It has been years, but do people remember like I do? Probably they have moved on, having already seen to what they want for themselves took place, rejoicing and relieved at the outcome. For me it is tucked away at a corner of my mind I strongly resist looking at again, although it resurfaces for a second every once in a while, which I then immediately slam a door on. Today I am peeling and scratching at the scars, even though it brings pain. Sometimes you just have a mosquito bite which you want to scratch you know, even if you know it will bring blood.

Bubbling furiously inside the dark wants to win, for all this time I have fought it and refused to see it that way. However dear to me, the annoying itch they cause is more than I can bear, I have so far always resisted because I know well that if I began, I may never see them in the same way again. And they are the only ones I have. How I see them would change how other people whom I care for deeply act towards me. But maybe I will take a trip today to that side today.

Is it karma? Why have it become like this, manning and hovering around the food section? Was it not obvious it would turn out like this for one person, and good only for them? Is this what it is meant to be like? You tell me to do this and that, because my own performance is only as good as an elementary schoolchild, but do you realize it is like this now because of you. You tell me I have to see the world as beautiful, people in it beautiful. To me that is naivety, your way of escape. I resent taking the trip down resentment and self-pity pathetic lane. What business, what politics, what art, it is all rubbish.

Thank God my head is heavy and my nose so stuffed it is filling up to my brain, that I cannot but pull myself out of it.